i’ll start by saying america is awesome.

now i will go on a tirade bashing the shit out of your media and repub­lican par­tis­an­ship in gen­eral, and hope­fully, it’ll end up making you feel really bad for your country which will turn into pat­ri­otic anger because AMERICA IS NUMBER 1, BABY YEAH!

first, we’ll start with a his­tory lesson (cliff­notes ver­sion): 9/​11 happened under bush’s watch. with the world’s sym­pathy, amer­icans crying, and defa­cing mosques around the country, bush and com­pany win enough polit­ical cap­ital to wage two unne­ces­sary wars that have made a shitty place to live even shit­tier. colin powell’s shock and awe was a massive giant dick fucking the pussies in afgh­anistan and iraq until they were sore and bleeding from holes they never knew they even had.

fast for­ward almost 9 years. it’s christmas, and everyone can’t wait to try on grandma’s hand-​knitted sweater that never fails to be one-​size too small and smells lightly of cin­namon because that’s how NANA LIKES HER TEA. appar­ently, obama and his admin­is­tra­tion had the AUDACITY to stop some insane nigerian fuckwit (also known as umar farouk abdul­mutallab) who dared to board a plane heading for detroit with a MURDEROUS WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION. security, unfor­tu­nately, did their jobs right that day. yes, i did not mis­speak. the TERRORIST ATTACK WAS COMPLETELY AVERTED.

con­sequently and much deservedly, nascar media and repub­licans from alabama were up in arms about this shit. HOW THE FUCK COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED, they hollered through tears from their church benches, fists raised in the air showing the dis­gust that some­thing like this could ever happen to AMERICA, THE MIGHTY.

“i am so pissed right now,” said one guy with a 2^nd grade edu­ca­tion. “i’m speech­less. i can’t believe this gov­ern­ment would rob us of our dig­nity like this.”

asked why he felt this way, he responded proudly “because i’m an idiot. let­ting ter­ror­ists attack happen is a good thing.”

thank god that the heart­land of america, where the time hon­oured tra­di­tions of incest, wife-​battery and racial slurs still hold stead­fast, cheney, with this shiny sword of truth, is leading the charge. in their own words, here are the reac­tions of some prom­inent republicans:

dick cheney: “srsly, wtf. how the hell are we gonna fuck up iran’s shit now? what? he’s nigerian from yemen? stop making shit up.”

peter king (r-​ny): “i’m a total par­tisan douchebag. the attack should have happened. shame on obama for stop­ping it. this is an outrage.”

peter hoek­stra (r-​mi): “i’m run­ning in the next elec­tion and this com­pet­ency shown by the admin­is­tra­tion run by the evil empire party really hurts my chances. i have a family to feed. is this the dir­ec­tion you want america to go in?”

dan burton (r-​in): “napol­itano ser­i­ously needs to get fired for doing her job prop­erly. what an embarass­ment. this is why my wife is not allowed to leave the house. or the kit­chen for that matter.”

jim demint (r-​sc): “this is all obama’s fault. if our guy was in office, i bet lots of people would have gotten killed.”

sean han­nity: “my head is totally massive because that’s what hap­pens when con­stip­a­tion and shit for brains doubleteam you.”