before the matrix, when human beings were all free to do whatever they liked, there was this dude named god who basic­ally con­trolled the world. he was the guy to create the first people ever, but they were fucked up and they pissed him off. he was like ‘get the fuck out of my house’ and cast a spell on them so that whenever new humans were made, the mom’s vagina looked like a base­ball mitt filled with lasagne.

this was about the same time that the ‘i hate my father’ com­plex started and people became athe­ists and burned shit down and had anal sex just to piss the dude off and make sure that they’d never be able to go back home. if that wasn’t bad enough, god also gave people the ability to be all self-​aware and care about what they looked like and gave them feel­ings and all that thinking stuff that makes everyone miserable.

anyway, god thought he was being all clever by doing this, trying to make everyone feel bad about them­selves, but he fucked up, and soon there were like six bil­lion of these people eating deep fried chocolate-​covered pork ice cream sand­wiches because they were so miser­able. why? nerds liked to call this ‘low self-​esteem’.

the first recorded instance of this phe­nomenon started way back when this guy named darwin came around. he totally developed this new way of thinking, and people were like ‘oh my god, you are so smart!’ because he was all like ‘only strong people sur­vive! only good looking people have a right to live! if you are weak, and fat, and ugly, you will die off!’ which made lots of sense to everyone because they didn’t really know much about any­thing back then.

how­ever, he was actu­ally just making fun of everyone, but no one got the joke — back then everyone was ugly because no one went to the gym, or brushed their teeth, or combed their hair, and used per­fume to cover up how shitty they smelled. anyway, it never occured to darwin that humans are dif­ferent from animals because they think (or some­thing like that) — usually about stupid stuff, but non­ethe­less, think.

then tele­vi­sions and magazines and pho­toshop were invented. sud­denly it seemed like everyone in the world was beau­tiful except you, so you were all like ‘i’m going to kill myself’, but people soon real­ized that trying to kill your­self hurts a lot, and unless you’re like really hard­core into the dying thing, it hardly ever worked, causing everyone to say stuff like ‘hahahaha, you are such a stupid idiot, you can’t even die properly!’

basic­ally, a whole bunch of these people who should have died off didn’t, and started breeding. because they totally had like the lowest self-​esteem ever, they would pro­create (that means ‘make babies by fucking’) with the lowest common denom­in­ator (which is basic­ally every­body). they also treated their kids like com­plete dirt­bags so that they would grow up be miser­able as well (it is a very vicious cycle).

thusly, low self-​esteem has actu­ally been a neces­sary part in the con­tinu­ation of humanity, and unless god gets really pissed off again, we’re prob­ably gonna be around forever if people don’t start feeling better about themselves.