as a fol­lowup to the vexed guide to bar sluts, i will detail the many variety of guys who hit up clubs. while this is not a com­plete list, it covers all the main cat­egories. just like girls, guys will fall into mul­tiple cat­egories, but they usu­ally exhibit the dom­inant char­ac­ter­istics of one. guys, gen­er­ally speaking, are much more fucking retarded than girls, and if you want proof of this, just con­tinue reading.

GUYS WHO’VE NEVER HAD THEIR ASSES KICKED: maybe it’s the sparkly silver shirt, or the sun glasses at night, or red pants, but there’s some­thing about them that makes you go, “DUDE NEEDS HIS ASS KICKED”. as a guy, i can tell you with some authority that everyone needs to get pwned at least once in their life. i have had my ass kicked three times, and each time, i deserved it. it makes you a better person. some how though, there are a few rare guys out there who fall through the cracks and sur­vived without get­ting rooted out and pounded. there isn’t any single quality about them. it’s more like an essence, a stench, one that gives you this pro­found need to clock them in the chin and set them on fire.

SHORT GUYS: i don’t know what it is about short guys, man. short dudes are always causing shit for some reason, acting like they’re bigger than they are. they’ve got more atti­tude, more anger, more frus­tra­tion built inside their 10 year old girl bodies. usu­ally, they hang around much bigger guys, so they think they have the requisite insur­ance to act like a fucking douchebag. the worst part is that you can’t really fight them because that’s like beating up your little sister.

TOKENS: you ever walk into a joint to see that one dude sur­rounded by six girls and none of them are his girl­friend? those are the token guys, useful only because they’re “nice”, “have cars”, and big enough for “pro­tec­tion”. most token dudes don’t realize they’re tokens and are actu­ally under the assump­tion they’re big pimps until they realize all the girls they’re with are trying to mount other guys. token guys are easily threatened because of this, and end up becoming

HEROES: you know, knights in shining armor. you’ve seen the type. they’re actu­ally fucking idiots in tin foil car­rying around a plastic sword walking around with a horse’s dick up their ass. heroes are prob­ably the most retarded guys out there because they praise women so much, they’re actu­ally con­vinced girls shit tulips and ballet slip­pers. kind of like an ogre but with a penis, their main func­tion is to cockblock you. they’re well meaning so the girls love them. thus, trying to defeat them without inciting the ire of the girl is ser­i­ously tricky busi­ness. the only real way to get around them is to pull out some ser­ious ninja trick, like attacking the girl when he’s off to take a piss or talking to his mom on his mobile.

HOMOPHOBIC GAY JOCKS: mostly frat boys, between 19 – 24, with short cropped hair, hardened with gel, wearing shirts with the top two but­tons undone and rolled up sleeves (and some are collar pop­pers). they roll in groups of no less than 4 or 5 guys, crammed up in their mom’s SUV, out looking for “bitches to fuck”. they’ve all mem­or­ized swingers and are armed to the teeth in cheesy pickup lines that make girls want to throw up on them. in fact, they are so putrid that they can offend a girl just by looking at her. the easiest way to spot these guys is when they cram them­selves into a car, and yell “FAG!” out their window in unison like a fucking broadway chorus, not under­standing the situ­ational irony that is taking place.

ASIANS: are fucking stupid. they are sort of a com­bin­a­tion of GINOS, HOMOPHOBIC GAY JOCKS, and SHORT GUYS, except they’re asian and roll together in flocks of 20 or so. picking a fight with these guys are dan­gerous because they usu­ally have machetes stuffed down one leg of their pants and don’t fight one-​on-​one. the typ­ical look of the asian is frosted hair, open shirts exposing their embarass­ingly fem­inine hair­less chests, and have a ser­i­ously fucked up thing for tupac and wu-​tang because they think rolling to 90s rap is still in favour or some shit. they can’t actu­ally drink beer, so stick to girly shooters and vodka coolers. their crew con­sists of ultra-​paranoid asian girls who hate all other girls and think every­body wants their ass.

GANGSTERS: man, i have more trouble with these dudes than all the other ones com­bined. gang­sters come in all fla­vours, shapes, and col­ours, but they all have one thing in common: they never have any money. these crotch-​grabbing, nipple-​pinching fuck­wads gen­er­ally only have enough for cover, and then when they stalk into the joint, they hang around the edges of the dance­floor trying to grind up against girls as if they won’t notice. they’re only goal is to feel some drunk chick up, and then boast about it to their friends in the parking lot. occa­sion­ally, they c-​walk around asking people for smokes. and you can’t really tell them off ’cause they’ll wait out­side with their friends to jump you when the bar closes.

IRISH GUYS: they don’t neces­sarily have to be irish, but all they want to do is get drunk and fight people.

BOYFRIENDS: boy­friends come in two fla­vours: assholes and stupid. the asshole boy­friend is the one that takes his girl to the bar and ignores her for the rest of the night, turning her into a pain-​in-​the-​ass crybaby that nobody wants to deal with. the stupid boy­friend is the guy who hates going to bars because he thinks everyone is after his 6/​10 bird so any time some­body acci­dent­ally bumps into her, he cuts them.

GINOS: prob­ably the most infamous and talked about breed of bar fuck. nine times out of ten, when a girl comes home and whines about guys hit­ting on them, it’s a fucking gino. con­trary to pop­ular belief, ginos are not releg­ated to smelly italian, but also applies to slick-​haired lebanese or hairy greeks — basic­ally, any­body from the med­i­tar­ranean. these dudes fucking smell because they wear an entire bottle of axe to cover up their nox­ious body odour due to pro­fuse sweating because wearing 50lbs of gold chains is going to do that to you. what the fuck is it with that part of the world that is pumping out an extraordinary amount of homo­phobic fag­gotry who jerk off using olive oil?

CREEPY ASS OLD GUYS: of course, there are always gonna be guys who don’t exactly know which demo­graphic they fall into, so think it’s okay to be forty years old and hit up joints filled with busty 20something blondes, thinking that being the “dis­tin­guished gen­tleman” is going to work in their favour. granted, every so often, the act might work, but unless you’re james bond, you’re going to be avoided like the fucking plague because in a bar atmo­sphere where who you hang out with determ­ines your social standing, nobody in their right mind is going to give you a fucking chance. more than likely, because of your age, you’re going to be that GHB rapist mother­fucker whose mom still dresses him.

VIRGINS: ain’t nothing worse than a bunch of fuck­heads talking about sex when you can smell the stench of vir­ginity off of them. you know the type, talking about girls based only on thou­sands of hours of ama­teur porn videos they’ve down­loaded off the internet, thinking they’re pre­pared for real life women. gen­er­ally speaking, guys who don’t get laid are the ones who talk about fucking the most. ser­i­ously, give up the act. nobody’s impressed.