1. DEMOCRACY/​FREEDOM. these two bloated piece of shit con­cepts were invented by fat white men in togas while they fucked each other up the ass 3000 years ago. the tra­di­tion has been car­ried on by the same types of people, except their togas have been replaced with suits. demo­cracy ensures that the lowest common denom­in­ator in any group has the chance to fuck us up. we’re not all screwed up, money hungry, war mon­gering pieces of shit, but it seems that way with the people run­ning the world. we’re not about to des­troy a bil­lion acres of rain forest so that burger king has enough grazing room for its mal­nour­ished cows, but there’s some fat guy in a suit willing to do all that. let’s not forget to men­tion the poor ass folk down at the bottom rung of the ladder, the ones that believe he one day might get to the top. this system ensures it will happen.

2. VEGETARIANS/​VEGANS. most of you aren’t even the real deal, so stop faking it. these little fucks use their veget­arian stance as a way of get­ting out of doing any­thing that cre­ates any REAL change. being a veget­arian isn’t going to help you save the world or change the way the world oper­ates. it just pisses people off. you can have as many anti-​smoking cam­paigns as you want, but the moment you touch my big piece of chicken, i am going to fuck you up. for real, these people go behind your back and stuff ham­burgers down their throats at the mcdonald’s 24 hour drive-​through. mcdonald’s fries use beef fla­vouring, so that shit ain’t gonna save you either. i don’t see mother­fucking lions and cou­gars having moral qualms when they rip an ante­lope to pieces. face it, you can’t sus­tain your­self on soy because it DOESN’T TASTE GOOD. if you think meat is really all that sick, stop buying all this soy-​imitation crap.

3. POP MUSIC HATERS. all you little cunts who spend all your days bas­tard­izing the back­street boys and n’sync and good char­lotte and simple plan and pink and britney spears and need to back the fuck off your tal­ent­less asses. sure, some of these people have cho­reo­graphers and make up artists that can make that big-​nosed pee-​wee herman look-​a-​like adrian brody into a sex symbol, but even with enough training, dan­cing and singing still takes coördin­a­tion that most of you fucks can barely manage to achieve, espe­cially WEN mOS UV u LiTLEL NUmETEAL FAGGETZ tIPE LIek DiSS. piss the fuck off. sorry, but the lyr­ical com­pos­i­tion of your “deeply insightful” bands are sim­ilar to the same shitty poetry you write during lunch hour in the lib­rary with your sim­il­arly tal­ent­less friends who are too busy being jealous of the good­looking kids because they are better than you are. listen, i’m not a fucking fan of the pop music really, but hating it is get­ting real old. look at it this way — i’d rather go to a party with n’sync than i would with slip­knot. i’d go for hot babes with perky breasts instead of rejected ozzie osbourne groupies.

4. SPELLING NAZIS. i agree com­pletely that good spelling is a great asset, but people take this shit way too far, and actu­ally use it as leverage in an argu­ment — if you mis­spell a cer­tain word, any­thing you say is deemed invalid. sorry, but the eng­lish lan­guage is ever-​evolving, and cor­rect spelling is just a matter of timing. go make fun of chaucer ’cause he basic­ally spelt every other word incor­rectly. i’d take coher­ency over pristine spelling any day of the week. most of these fucks bent on cor­recting spelling mis­takes never have any­thing inter­esting to say anyway. have you ever noticed that? they are boring pieces of shit.

5. RADIOHEAD /​GODSPEED YOU BLACK EMPEROR /​BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE /​HIPSTER MUSIC. as much as it burns my ass to say this because i used to be such a huge radi­o­head fan, it’s time for me to step on the neck and kill it for good. radi­o­head hasn’t been good since half of ok com­puter. all this art-​rock exper­i­mental wailing bull­shit has got to end. no one actu­ally listens to a 20 minute gsybe song on their own time. they do it to impress someone else. people like this shit because someone’s cool older brother’s cousin who lives in a new york city loft in soho thought it was neat. sorry, but that dude has left this shit behind and he moved on to the yeah yeah yeahs [who still suck, but not as bad], and elec­tro­clash [which is basic­ally the shit­tiest form of elec­tronic music out there, filled with dick­heads with fake european accents, and girls who are so coked out they wear elec­trical tape because they burned all their clothes in a dumb attempt of fem­inine liberation].

6. UNFUNNY “DARK” COMEDIES AND CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED CRAP MOVIES/​TV SHOWS. amer­ican beauty, donnie darko, queer as folk, oz, six feet under, among others. this is all bull­shit. this whole irony spell that we’ve all been under for the last 10 years or so has ser­i­ously got to go. wake up and realize most of this shit has been stuff you’ve thought of already a thou­sand times over. common know­ledge, overly obvious stuff. maybe i’m not homo­sexual enough to under­stand the intric­a­cies of the beauty in the world, like floating pieces of garbage. maybe it’s because i don’t see enough shit flying through the air on my walks to the con­veni­ents store. people talk about these movies and tv shows like they were eye-​openers that made them realize the deep truths about life. it may have helped you appre­ciate shit for maybe a day after seeing it, but i don’t think your life has really changed all that much, so please shut the fuck up about it already, okay?

» the vexed guide to bull­shit — part-​two