» the vexed guide to bull­shit — part two

14. NEW YORK CITY. aside from pros­ti­tutes, gang­sters, bad rap, and a couple late night talk shows, what the fuck has new york done exactly for the world? how did it get as pres­ti­gious as it did? when people think new york city, all they think about is man­hattan, which is so expensive, it burns such a gaping hole in your wallet, you can feel it in your armpit. ima­gine having your armpit pinched. mul­tiply that fifty times, then set it on fire, then have a rabid badger chew on it to put it out, and then have a police officer beat the shit out of you for animal cruelty when you choke that fucker to death. that’s new york city. and it sucks because i feel it in my heart.

15. GIRLFRIENDS. everyone wants to get hitched because no one likes to be lonely. fuck that, whenever i’m hitched, i lose my ability to talk to people that i’m not fucking. they just take up way too much time, energy, and cre­ativity. i have a hard time enter­taining people and being funny — which is basic­ally the only reason why people hang out with me. once i lose that, i’m nothing. i’ve done the cal­cu­la­tions — all the money and time i spend on them, divided by how much sex i have, and i figured out i’d actu­ally save money if i used it all on pros­ti­tutes. shit, most of them don’t even eat all the food when you take them out to dinner, and some­times you get the awe­some ones who make you fight every meat­head because they were either giving looks, or being bitches to anyone thinking you’re going to save their ass. i’m going to para­phrase justin tim­ber­lake: dating is like a job pro­posal. you know, you go into a job pro­posal, and you meet the sec­retary. the secretary’s always hot. like really hot. and pleasant, and happy, and has a sense of humour. this goes on for about six to eight weeks. then you get the boss. and the boss is mean and nasty and you hate his guts. word, justin. you are a wise man. on top of all of that, every girl i’ve dated has never been liked by the people that i know. so it’s kind of like a tradeoff, and usu­ally i get burnt.

16. TEACHING ENGLISH ABROAD. i know i go on about how i’m going to save the fucking world by trav­el­ling all over the place, re-​colonializing a pop­u­la­tion whose only know­ledge of eng­lish is the menu at mcdon­alds, and coca-​cola products. when you go and teach abroad, you are basic­ally a monkey. you epi­tomize western cul­ture to them. you sing them songs and talk to them about sports. you don’t even teach half the time because you don’t know how to teach, and you don’t know where to start. you defend america. no matter where you’re from, everyone around the world asso­ci­ates eng­lish with the united states. you guys have no fucking clue how many times i’ve defended america to these impov­er­ished, slanty-​eyed chinese mother­fuckers, so if i come off as a tad anti-​american, i totally fucking deserve it. in my tour of duty in china, i did not meet a single west­erner [usu­ally male] who didn’t have some sort of ulterior motive — mostly it had to do with banging for­eign chicks in the clubs. when you go over­seas, it’s not about the bet­ter­ment of your stu­dents, it’s about easy money, eye candy, and tourism. you’re basic­ally a fucking pimp sucking the money out of a poor country des­perate enough to hire any high school drop out with a lisp as long as he has spoken eng­lish his whole life. most mother­fuckers don’t even have a strong grasp of basic grammar. the good side is that you can call everyone ‘fuck face’, while they smile and say ‘thank you’.

17. BASEBALL. this is the only sport where some asshole with a stick can call him­self an ath­lete and become a mil­lion­aire. there was a study done, and the average game of base­ball, which lasts just over three hours, has only nine minutes of actual action. nine fucking minutes. divide that by how much money they make, and it just pisses you off. i have never seen so many over­weight, pizza eating, drunk mil­lion­aires in one place than at a base­ball game. sure, it takes a great amount of coördin­a­tion to hit a ball the size of your fist, but it also takes a lot of coördin­a­tion not to bust a nut in 30 seconds the first time you get laid. you don’t see those guys get­ting paid millions.

18. LONG LIFE. you know what i can’t stand about these health nuts? when they go on about living a long life. who the fuck wants to pro­long old age? who in their right mind wants to be con­stip­ated for 30 straight years? anti-​everything act­iv­ists have it all wrong. you want to know why they hate everything and protest shit? because they’re pissed off everyone else is having fun, and wants every­body to be in the gutter with them. fuck them, if i want a cigar­ette when i’m slam­ming back a 2 dollar colt 45 that i bought at 4am at some french con­veni­ence store and then get­ting a hooker, waking up on a tuesday morning, late for work, and noti­cing some huge warts on my dick, all i’m going to think of was how good a lay she was, and even though she faked her orgasm, i got off and that’s all that counts. it makes me sound like a dirtbag to you doesn’t it. well, you’re one of those people i hate.

19. PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS. in the last couple dec­ades, phar­ma­ceut­ical com­panies went from making drugs that cured shit to make drugs that help you ‘live with shit’. they woke up and real­ized that there is no money in the cure, there’s only money in the ‘treat­ment’. so what does that mean? it means we have a new pop­u­la­tion of people who are ‘living with such and such’. and everyone’s bought into the system. life doesn’t require hard work any­more now that some multi-​coloured set of pills can fix you up. this shit isn’t even tested that long. i can’t wait until we start pop­ping out 3-​eyed babies, with dicks attached to the top of their heads. that would be walking sym­bolism right there. now these mon­ster cor­por­a­tions are going ape­shit because poor coun­tries are allowed to make cheaper gen­eric ver­sions of chem­icals they pat­ented. boo fucking hoo. instead of 100 tril­lion dol­lars a year, you get 90 tril­lion. another shift we’ve seen is treat­ment drugs to life­style drugs. prozac, ritalin, valium, lithium. mood-​altering hiphop drugs that make your wretched exist­ence bear­able because you’re too socially inept to talk to someone.

20. “SELLING OUT”. whenever i talk to some music nazi, i always hear about some band ‘selling out’. what the fuck exactly does selling out mean? people take their favourite band, per­son­alize it, and act as if they were the fucking ones that dis­covered them, and if someone else had heard of them, they think that somehow you had some­thing to do with their massive pop­ularity. but then this one fucker in grade school has one of their tracks blasting on their fisher price baby boombox, and right then and there, your band has sold out and you want nothing more to do with them. ‘selling out’ is just a way some idiot has a way of dealing with the fact that there is a world out there and that people are much more well-​informed of shit that he had ever ima­gined. get off your fucking high horse. com­mer­cial suc­cess doesn’t mean a band sucks shit. it means that they were good enough for ordinary people who have no hang ups can enjoy. i’d like to point out at this point that MOST of the under­ground acts out there do suck shit and that’s the reason why they remain buried.

23. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. why are people so afraid of being offensive? and i don’t mean the imma­ture, base­less type of offensive that people do simply just to shock [like the kind that i do]. i mean the kind that you actu­ally believe in. polit­ical cor­rect­ness grew out of a demo­cratic system that decided it was best to hide the fact that most people are scum­bags. pussy ass lib­erals, which i will bitch about later, cry foul whenever someone speaks their mind because they believe that everyone should break out into random acts of group hug­ging and ass fucking because everyone should get along. people not get­ting along has been one of the greatest tools of pop­u­la­tion con­trol that the world has ever known. people get­ting along is one of the major causes of over­pop­u­la­tion, which leads to a lot of other shitty things. make up your fucking mind. if you really cared about the world, it would be best if you let people just flip out and fuck each other up. human bodies appar­ently make for good fer­til­izer. okay, i am get­ting a little too morbid here, but i think you get my point. polit­ical cor­rect­ness is unhealthy because it gives people a reason to hide their motives. we shouldn’t pro­mote it because then we’ll get to see how people really feel about shit.