» the vexed guide to bull­shit — part one

7. OVERWEIGHT MALE FEMINISM. this is a term that i’m sure that’s brought up before, but i’d like to men­tion it myself. before and during the amer­ican inva­sion of afgh­anistan, the world’s most powerful lobby group — over­weight white males — took the charge in the fight for women’s rights. sup­porting this time­less move­ment was new ter­ritory for these people, and everyone fell for the polit­ical tactic which allowed cor­porate greed to run amock and unabated, and as fast as you could say ‘i’d like fries with that’, an oil pipeline was built across the demol­ished ‘nation’. years after solid­arity in the name of women’s rights, the women of afgh­anistan are just as, if not more, oppressed than they were under the taliban. since the inva­sion, public rela­tions fig­ure­head and first female deputy prime mister, a doctor named sima samar, has been thrown out of office, the demo­cratic gov­ern­ment barely con­trols kabul, taliban sup­porters are still killing EVERYONE, and not a peep has been heard since about the status of women in this “lib­er­ated demo­cracy”. what the media fails to tell the ordinary person is that it was if the hus­bands and brothers of afgh­anistan didn’t sup­port the oppres­sion of women, the taliban wouldn’t have been able to pull it off as well as they did. it pisses me off how many people were decieved into thinking that the problem of oppres­sion would be so easily cured by removing a couple dozen bearded men. now that the issue runs deeper than people thought it did, no one wants to pay atten­tion any­more because holy shit, it’s gonna require REAL WORK.

8. GOURMET FOOD. is it just me or is gourmet just another way of saying ‘food that is so fucking dis­gusting only mon­keys that eat their own shit genu­inely enjoy’? when you have the kind of money to go to these thousand-​doillar-​a-​plate din­ners, you eat the most vomit-​inducing food. rich people try to find cre­ative ways to be dif­ferent from the rest of us po’ folks because they know that the only thing that sep­ar­ates them from the rest of the fucking world is the size of their bank accounts. thus, they’ve developed a system to ensure that REAL people won’t even try to emu­late, or if they do try, make sure that it’s as unpleasant as pos­sible. gourmet food is a by-​product of this prac­tice. these fucking people never eat this shit at home. it’s used as social pos­turing. if you’ve ever tasted 300 year old french wine, you know exactly what i mean. and if you’ve ever watched one of those fashion shows on tv, you know the ugliest clothes are the ones that are going for a few thou­sand a pop. per­son­ally, i don’t see the dif­fer­ence between a prada purse and a pile of dog shit: not worth the price you paid for it, weird smelling, and made by non-​english speakers.

9. RAVE CULTURE. i feel ashamed i used to be part of this ridicu­lously annoying sub­cul­ture. i got into it in the mid-​nineties right as PLUR became an ad-executive’s hard-​on, and left when i woke up from the after­glow and real­ized i was being an asshole who only listened to people that had ‘dj’ in front of their name. nowadays, the parties are going harder than ever, fueled fero­ciously by e-​tarded 15 year olds who aren’t old enough to hit the clubs that it’s become nothing more than r. kelly’s wet dream. 95% of the people that attend them are pasty-​white sub­urb­anite kids who can only make friends with people when they are too fucking high to make proper choices when it comes to people to hang out with. enough ecstacy would con­vince even the most staunch anti-​beastiality act­ivist that it would be okay to do a sheep up the ass. it’s the land of sub-​standards and lowered expect­a­tions. that’s why there’s so much ‘love’ — everyone’s so fucking pathetic that they can’t even muster enough decency to hate people any­more. you know that weird kid in math class that keeps to him­self, has no friends, and seems genu­inely happy? he goes to raves. so if you’re jealous of his blissful state of being, don’t worry. he’ll be found dead in a gutter with crust build up at the corner of his mouth in 3 – 5 years. [yes, i still attend the occa­sional party, and i am not knocking club cul­ture here. i’d hit up ibiza or acap­ulco in a heartbeat.]

10. ANTI-​AMERICANISM. living in canada means that i am sub­jected to a sig­ni­ficant amount of anti-​americanism. i have been guilty of it myself, but usu­ally i try to direct it to spe­cific gov­ern­ment offi­cials, or for­eign policies. how­ever, i can crack ‘fat amer­ican’ jokes with the best of them. hating on ordinary amer­ican people, as the rest of the world has found out, ili­cits a very stong defensive reac­tion. amer­icans are notorious for their love of any­thing with the word ‘america’ in it, so if you bitch at them, you might as well be killing their family. they are that psychotically-​obsessed. amer­icans are not like you and me. they have an incred­ible pro­pa­ganda machine that they aren’t aware exists. they are taught to fear their neigh­bours and buy guns which pre­oc­cu­pies them from noti­cing what third world country their gov­ern­ment may be invading, or how many ter­ror­ists they’re training on a mil­itary base in their neigh­bour­hood. if you were in their shoes, you prob­ably wouldn’t do any better. the best course of action is just to make them feel so ashamed of their own gov­ern­ment that they get sick to their stom­achs, stop eating, lose weight, get back into shape, and lynch gov­ern­ment offi­cials like they still do to black people in alabama and gay folks in texas.

11. THE ENVIRONMENT. i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again — the envir­on­ment is a fucking pussy and some days i wake up thinking that it needs to be put out of its misery. remember back in the day when your mom told you that fairy tale about this huge flood that just rocked the world and killed every­body? or that one time a typhooned ripped through some prim­itive fishing vil­lage and killed ten tril­lion people? or that forest fire like made eight hun­dred spe­cies of bears and uni­corns go extinct in a matter of hours? holy fuck, earth­quakes these days can barely manage knocking over that forty dollar shed you bought at home depot. not to men­tion how hur­ricane isabel became a pussy by the time it reached land. aside from knocking out cheaply built power­lines, and cre­ating a mess for a bunch of hicks to clean up [not that it was such a big deal because we all know hicks are dirty and prob­ably didn’t even notice that much a dif­fer­ence], she was more like a thun­der­storm with a stronger-​than-​average wind. tv people weren’t even scared to get into the middle of that shit any­more. back in the day, we used to hide in caves and shit when that hap­pens, and now it’s like ‘whatever’. whatever, envir­on­ment. all this human dev­ast­a­tion is your fault for get­ting lazy.

12. ATHEISTS. athe­ists piss me off more than any other reli­gious group. they are loud-​mouthed, uneducated fucking idiots who think they’ve got a point because of what some bumper sticker on a chevette told them. do these people ser­i­ously believe what they are saying? it seems like ‘god’ is the only thing that can be dis­cred­ited if there is no proof to back it up. i’m not even going to get into other meta­phys­ical examples, like love, or friend­ship, or loy­alty, or pride, or mcdon­alds ‘food’, that they all seem to believe in, yet there’s no sci­entific proof for, merely just ‘emo­tions’, which can’t pos­sibly be real either. my point is, if you’re going to use argu­ments that can rule out ALL of those things, then please be more con­sistent with your beliefs. if you want to be taken ser­i­ously, stop acting like a preacher shoving your beliefs down other people’s throats. these fucking people make having a little FAITH IN SOMETHING seem like a big crime. the common defense these dick­heads use is that they just don’t want to be wit­nessed or, or ‘judged’, yet that’s ALL THEY EVER DO. wake the fuck up. i hope you burn it hell ’cause that would be fun and ironic. the whole pot-​calling-​the-​kettle-​black tone of this was on pur­pose, btw. i had a couple pseu­doin­tel­lec­tuals emailing me on the first seg­ment of this pointing out some shit that i thought was obvious, so i’m adding this dis­claimer instead of replying to them nicely. for the record, i’m an agnostic.

13. LARGE BREASTS. i don’t fucking under­stand the fas­cin­a­tion with large breasts. as everyone knows, large breasts that don’t look like it’s a sock filled with rocks is pretty much an implant — and let me say now that implants are worth­less, cost 20 000 dol­lars, and must be replaced every 10 – 15 years. i am a b-​cup cru­sader, and a firm believer that’s all you really need. if you’re bigger because mother nature loves you, great. but feeling like your tits need to shoot out of you like nuc­lear mis­siles is fucking stupid. small breasts are per­kier and last longer. if you don’t think you’re going to attract anyone because your tits are too small, think about how many people you’re gonna end up attracting when you’ve got a pair of tits get­ting rug burn when you’re only 40 years old. if you’re really all that des­perate, get knocked up a couple times, and watch those breasts just get busy with it as nature takes its course.

the vexed guide to bull­shit — part three «