INTRODUCTION:

like anal sex, killing other people has been an unquench­able thirst or a highly addictive drug for humanity. murder is time­less and prev­elant in modern day society span­ning the whole world, from albania to zim­b­abwe. high school intel­lects from all over the western world, who have nothing better to do than make unfounded super-generalative[1] claims, have pos­tu­lated time and time again that reli­gion is the number one killer throughout history[2]. although there are lim­it­less examples that can sup­port this theory, it is gen­er­ally debunked thor­oughly in the people-​who-​know-​stuff com­munity. how­ever, for all intents and pur­poses, that com­munity is dry and boring, so our focus will be shifted to the people-who-don’t-know-stuff com­munity to try to sup­port their views and advance their cause.

THE PLAYERS:

in a world filled with 6 bil­lion people, the major players in the world of reli­gion are chris­tianity, with roughly 2 bil­lion adher­ents, and islam with roughly 1.3 bil­lion wor­ship­pers. how­ever, doing a com­pare and con­trast among these two super heavy­weights is old hat and boring. also, chris­tians and muslims only make up 3.3 bil­lion people, which is just over half of the world pop­u­la­tion. to ensure a max­imum number of people are killed, there is a need to add a third super-​power to the mix. citing satirewire.com’s thor­oughly researched theo­lo­gical study about the merger between hinduism and judaism, the new hypo­thet­ical reli­gious super­power that is hence­forth ref­ered to as “hin­jewism” will be used to make things more inter­esting. they number a dis­tant 3^rd, at 950 mil­lion believers.

OVERVIEW:

to make this study as unbiased and objective as pos­sible, a STRENGTHS RATING SYSTEM [SRS] will be used to judge the overall power of each reli­gion in ques­tion. they should be self-​explanatory and will be as fol­lows: adapt­ab­ility, cha­risma, decep­tion, intel­li­gence, psy­chosis, weaponry. rat­ings will be out of 10.

CHRISTIANITY:
by far the power­house when it comes to sheer num­bers, chris­tianity claimed world wide rev­er­ence for it’s blood-​thirsty his­tory filled with witch hunts and cru­sades. chris­tianity is a mono­the­istic reli­gion that used to have a jealous, hom­icidal god, but for public rela­tions pur­poses, he was turned into a mer­ciful, for­giving one, but still thinks anal sex is a big no-​no, much to the chagrin of all the hea­thens that are taking it over and climbing the ranks up the holy order[3].

chris­tianity boasts the world’s most advanced weaponry, most annoying people — mor­mons and jehovah’s wit­nesses to name a few — and screwed up cults that will kill them­selves because they are afraid of being probed by aliens. among these things, another weapon chris­tianity has in store is the fact that it has mastered mar­ket­ting by sheer determination.

about a bil­lion years ago, when the reli­gion was still blooming and people were still asking “what the fuck is a chris­tian and why is there an ‘h’ in the word”, jesus and com­pany were busy slaughtering people, stealing all their good ideas, and making up new ones as they went along, not really knowing what they were doing. through trial and error, they had smash suc­cesses like the christmas trees, and easter bun­nies, and grand­par­ents day. this allure of adapt­ab­ility and change was one of the major factors in the expo­nen­tial growth in the religion.

SRS: adapt­ab­ility — 8, cha­risma — 4, decep­tion — 7, intel­li­gence — 6, psy­chosis — 6, weaponry — 9

ISLAM:
although they believe in the same god as the chris­tians, and the reli­gion itself was born in roughly the same area, islam has grown into a vastly dif­ferent reli­gion unto its own. back then, a col­lective bar­gaining agree­ment had been reached between the chris­tians and muslims — where the chris­tians marched west­ward, the muslims marched east and south. although they did clash from time to time, the skir­mishes were gen­er­ally small, and didn’t involve too much slaughter — that is until the muslims became filthy rich, and babylon was basic­ally the centre of the uni­verse. the fat, pale, and sen­ti­mental chris­tians couldn’t bare to be out­done by the muslims, got really pissed off, flipped out, and that’s gen­er­ally the story behind the cru­sades, and why these two super powers don’t like each other very much.

islam used to be the power­house in sci­ence as well, inventing glass and eye­glasses, clocks, the pen­dulum, the printing press, optics/​light spec­trum, tri­go­no­metry, decimals, algebra, cubic equa­tions, neg­ative num­bers, log­ar­ithms, gun­powder as a mil­itary use, geo­graphy and chem­istry as a sci­ence, chemo­therapy, anes­thetics, and dozens of other things that the chris­tians gen­er­ally stole and claimed as their own, which rightly pissed off a lot of muslims. [4].

how­ever, those days of glory are gen­er­ally now over, and the main strength of islam now lies in the psychotic obsess­ive­ness the people have in their beliefs. the will of a tril­lion chris­tians could not outdo a single muslim in his most right­eous state. aside from the rare northern irish, and the japanese kami­kaze pilots — who were aided by smoking a lot of crank — there is no other sig­ni­ficant group of indi­viduals that believe strongly enough to lit­er­ally die for their beliefs. while others talk about con­vic­tions, the muslims basic­ally have twenty inch big fat cocks of conviction.

SRS: adapt­ab­ility — 3, cha­risma — 5, decep­tion — 8, intel­li­gence — 8, psy­chosis — 8, weaponry — 5

HINJEWISM:
although small in number, hin­jewism boasts the same god as both chris­tianity and islam, as well as a mul­ti­tude of other gods, some with an abnormal amount of append­ages that can juggle dozens of objects while bal­an­cing on a ball and doing back­flips all at once.

hinjewism’s other strength also lies in its diversity, and prox­imity to each other. the majority of hindus gen­er­ally live in india, and there are almost a bil­lion hindus out there [the rest of the country is made up of a few mil­lion buddhists, the rare chris­tian, and a handful of muslims]. the prox­imity of each hindu to one another, and their stag­gering num­bers shows that even if even if the whole extended family lived in the same card­board box, they won’t resort to killing each other. this resi­li­ence makes them an incred­ibly daunting uni­fied force that even america doesn’t want to fuck with. these people are cur­rently at nuc­lear stan­doff with the muslims north of them in pakistan for a piece of rock where nobody lives because you can’t grow any­thing on it called “kashmir”. that’s how ready they are to fuck with you. they also have the bomb.

jews, num­bering only about 15 mil­lion world wide, are gen­er­ally the overly abused red-​headed step child of the world, going from per­se­cu­tion to per­se­cu­tion. even amongst the his­tory of tur­moil, jews boast the lowest sui­cide rate of all major reli­gions in the world[5].

today, they gen­er­ally inhabit the new york/​tri-​state area and israel, where they’re con­stantly trying to fuck up muslims. they are battle hardened, and while weaker reli­gions may have gone extinct through the shit these people faced, they have come out gen­er­ally unscathed, and prob­ably a lot more pissed off than all of the other reli­gions com­bined, save for the muslims in hamas, their mortal enemy. this explains why a lot of the guys over 30 have really wrinkly faces and big noses because they are scowling all the time. they also have the bomb.

com­bined, hinjewism’s lack of num­bers should not at all affect its ability in combat, as there is no place on earth that would be able to host a battle that large. defens­ively, hin­jewism is also primed simply because its pop­u­la­tion is so dense that any con­ven­tional war­fare would fail miserably.

SRS: adapt­ab­ility — 5, cha­risma — 4, decep­tion — 7, intel­li­gence — 7, psy­chosis — 6, weaponry — 7

MAJOR WEAKNESSES:

CHRISTIANITY:
although chris­tians boast the largest number of wor­ship­pers, the flip side of the coin is that not everyone is going to like each other. chris­tians are famous for their inab­ility to look past their own dif­fer­ences, and gen­er­ally have no qualms killing one another — northern ire­land, for example. killing each other isn’t the only problem either. they also like to kill themselves.

out of the top 10 coun­tries with the highest sui­cide rate per 100 000 inhab­it­ants, all 10 of them are pre­dom­in­antly chris­tian coun­tries. lithuania, russia, and belarus lead the way[6].

also, christian-​based coun­tries are gen­er­ally demo­cratic as well. demo­cratic gov­ern­ments feel sick to their stom­achs when their troops go to war and get killed. they are the laziest of the three major reli­gions, and in-​fighting will occur within the respective gov­ern­ments if more than a handful of sol­diers are killed.

ISLAM:
while muslims aren’t exempt from dis­liking each other, they gen­er­ally try their best not to go after each other. this includes the extrem­ists. bin ladin didn’t fuck with the sec­ular saddam hus­sein even though the two would try to bite each other’s faces if they were standing next to one another.

islam’s biggest con­cern is its arsenal. although pakistan boasts a nuc­lear pro­gramme, they aren’t seen as major players because of an under­developed bal­listic mis­sile pro­gramme. you can only throw rocks a cer­tain dis­tance, and they don’t go nearly as fast as a tank run­ning over you.

HINJEWISM:
although the densely pop­u­lated areas in which hin­jews live is a great defense against con­ven­tional war­fare, the most glaring weak­ness is that a handful of nuc­lear war­heads could oblit­erate the vast majority of them. hin­jews have spread all over the world, but not sig­ni­fic­antly enough to create second and third wave forces. if the hinjew main­stays of india, and israel fall, the rest of them will be too far away from each other to mount any sort of res­ist­ence, and will be lynched by the much more pop­u­lous chris­tians and muslims who sur­round them.

another glaring weak­ness of hin­jewism is that a newly merged super-​religion will have its kinks, as there will be a power struggle within the estab­lish­ment. because the hindus will make up the vast majority, jews may feel a little left out of the game. jews are known for their ability to assas­sinate, and that may end up cre­ating a coup situ­ation where a minority lead­er­ship will be in place, which can only lead to dis­aster in the bat­tle­field as the hindu morale will drop like a rock and they will be slaughtered like pigs, and eaten by can­ni­bal­istic pacific islanders who just happened to be in the area.

X-​FACTOR:

an x-​factor study is neces­sary in any sort of reli­gious argu­ment. an x-​factor refers to the meta­phys­ical, faith-​based, un-​real, holy shit aspects, like mir­acles, the second coming, or the exist­ence of hot nuns.

CHRISTIANITY:
given the fact that chris­tianity has ruled supreme over any piece of land that mat­ters in the last couple of cen­turies, its x-​factor remains low, and one could argue that it may be coming to an end, now that islam has been the fastest growing reli­gion in the world[7] in the last few years. how­ever, an x-​factor may be unne­ces­sary now that they have accu­mu­lated enough know­ledge to build the biggest bombs that may make god him­self shit his pants. the x-​factor for chris­tians may, in the ironic end, be that they dethrone god himself.

ISLAM:
islam’s x-​factor may exist in the fact that they gen­er­ally like to talk about jihad a lot, and god may get fed up, do them a favour, and basic­ally des­troy everyone who is their enemy — or at least, wipe israel from exist­ence. how­ever, islam’s golden age has been shady for a over a mil­lenium now — though, there is cur­rently a resur­gence of islam. the x-​factor may more real­ist­ic­ally exist in the strong con­vinc­tion and will­ing­ness to die for beliefs. people looking for some­thing a little more con­crete may admire this and switch sides.

HINJEWISM:
what they lack in num­bers, they gain in x-​factorism. unlike the chris­tians, the jews decided to stick with the jealous, angry god, instead of going for the more tamed, pussy-​liberal kind. not only that, but the hindus offer a mul­ti­tude of gods that like to wear really bright clothing and have the hand-​eye coördin­a­tion of super­heros on really good cocaine. while the angry jewish god beats the living shit out of the bene­volent muslim/​christian god, the hindu gods would be wreaking pain and death upon its enemies. that’s food for thought right there.

FOOTNOTES:

1. “gen­er­al­ative” is not a word.
2. ask any 15 year old about what he thinks about reli­gion.
3. “Epis­co­palians approve gay bishop” - http://​www​.newsok​.com/​e​p​i​s​c​o​p​a​l​s​-​f​a​c​e​-​f​a​l​l​o​u​t​-​o​v​e​r​-​g​a​y​-​b​i​s​h​o​p​/​a​r​t​i​c​l​e​/​3​4​6​7​8​5​3​?​c​u​s​t​o​m​_​c​l​i​c​k​=​l​e​a​d​_​s​t​o​r​y​_​t​i​tle
4. “The Mir­acle of Islamic Sci­ence” by Dr K. Ajram - http://​mem​bers​.for​tun​e​city​.com/​j​o​n​h​a​y​s​/​c​h​e​k​o​u​t​.​htm
5. Facts about sui­cide -http://​www​.reli​gious​tol​er​ance​.org/​s​u​i​_​f​a​c​t​.​htm
6. World sui­cide rates - http://​www​.aneki​.com/​s​u​i​c​i​d​e​.​h​tml
7. Fast-​growing Islam win­ning con­verts in Western world - http://​edi​tion​.cnn​.com/​W​O​R​L​D​/​9​7​0​4​/​1​4​/​e​g​y​p​t​.​i​s​l​am/