INTRODUCTION: in the begin­ning, when there were only like 20 people in the world, there weren’t any sub­cul­tures because everyone was related and knew each other. but due to con­stant inbreeding, hor­rible dis­fig­ure­ments occured, and “normal” people and “fucked up people” became the world’s first sub­cul­tures. as society grew, so did the number of sub­cul­tures, each get­ting more and more spe­cific from the last. it is human nature to find a place to belong. we are social creatures and mas­turb­a­tion is only a tem­porary solu­tion. thus, the neces­sity for subculturism.

sub­cul­tures are sort of like private clubs with spe­cific require­ments for entry and accept­ance. so with that in mind, i write this primer so that those who may feel lost in this excess­ively com­plex world will see a little bit more light, and may make wiser decisions on which aspect of society he would like to be asso­ci­ated with.
so without fur­ther delay…

WICCANS/​PAGANS: mainly pop­ular among 15 year old girls who just read their first emily dick­enson and/​or sylvia plath poem, wic­cans are on a con­stant mis­sion to latch on to the latest trend in spir­itu­ality. they lie about doing yoga/​pilates, and don’t really know much about wicca because they talk about it being some sort of ancient reli­gion even though it was invented like, in 1930 because some dude was all like “fuck, i’m gonna steal 3000 year old ideas and box it up with a shiny new name and call it a reli­gion”. he was prob­ably just using it for sex because you gotta like, get really naked to enter a “coven” [a bunch of babes who like lighting candles and listening to tori amos], and girls are attracted to nature and cats, which are important to wicca because when you make up a reli­gion, you can make it be whatever you want it to be. they usu­ally grow up to be athe­ists because their dog will get killed by some force of nature, usu­ally a fallen tree, or a drunk driver, which makes them lose faith.

GOTHS: goths come in a variety of shapes and col­ours, and back in the mid-​90s, was def­in­itely one of the more pop­ular crews to roll with because people enjoyed looking really stupid back then for some reason (sci­ent­ists have no explan­a­tion). GOTHISM has evolved greatly since those ancient days when nine inch nails still wasn’t boring (down­ward spiral-​era, before trent released that godawful “the fra­gile” piece of shit). for any of you nerds who might argue that GOTHISM existed before “the crow” was made, you are wrong. dressing up like depressed clowns that failed mime school didn’t start hap­pening until 1994, regard­less of what any goth, school book, crazy art teacher, or web­site has ever told you.

GOTHS can be broken down into two dis­tinct cat­egories: MARILYN MANSON GOTH and PSEUDO-​INTELLECTUAL GOTH.

mar­ilyn manson goths: unlike their PSEUDO-​INTELLECTUAL cousins, mar­ilyn manson goths don’t deny their over­whelming stu­pidity in all things more com­plic­ated than brushing their teeth. they are gen­er­ally younger, and their favourite poem is “the raven” by edgar allen poe because it is dark and is fun to read because it rhymes. these goths have no idea what “goths” actu­ally were, and think it has some­thing to do with fucking dead people, loud annoying music, and wearing black t-​shirts that have faded to a lint-​covered grey. these goths are gen­er­ally normal kids who just don’t know any better yet. some of them have blue hair, and lots of the girls are really cute because they only pre­tend to be depressed. they secretly listen to the back­street boys, but can’t tell anyone, which is actu­ally the root of their depression.

pseudo-​intellectual goths: are the annoying know-​it-​all stupid asshole eng­lish class losers who try to be unique in all their inter­pret­a­tions of shakespeare’s meta­phors. it’s important to note that these goths are those really creepy ones that ask you to cut them during sex or will ask to bite your ass or some­thing screwed up like that. their favourite band is “bauhaus”. they are really boring people and you can piss them off bY tYpInG lIEk ThIs AnD UsInG lOtS oF exClAm­A­tIoN mArKs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! due to their lack of per­son­ality, these goths gen­er­ally tend to stick together and don’t really talk all that much because they are socially inept but are afraid of dying alone even though they wor­ship death and think they’re vam­pires. i know, weird huh. unlike their mar­ilyn manson coun­ter­parts, pseudo-​intellectual goths take a long time to realize how fucking retarded they are so they will go well into old-​age thinking they’re super­nat­ural beings. think anne rice. another dif­fer­ence is that all of these ones dress like girls with lots of frills and doilies and hair bows, and spend more time doing their makeup than their most hated rivals: jocks/​preps.

INDIE/​EMO/​HIPSTER: ‘indie’ used to mean ‘inde­pendent’. but one day, like, in 1998, some guy was all like ‘i get no chicks’, so he wrote a song about get­ting no chicks, and he sang it sad sounding, and the lyrics were all about like, giving up your soul, and stuff. and then this girl who read a lot of shakespeare and had an aim name that went some­thing like “silviaplath87” started talking about how deep that song was, and from that point on, it spread like a virus because it was about wor­ship­ping your­self — but in indie, it’s not acknow­ledged as wor­ship­ping your­self because you’re sad most of the time.

indie now means trucker hats, and skinny effem­inate males, and people who cut them­selves, and wannabe-​heroin addicts who all dress the same way, and shop ‘vin­tage’, and girls who have no sense of them­selves, and gen­er­ally, just a col­lec­tion of self-​absorbed sub­urb­anite kids who like taking tonnes of pic­tures of them­selves, but always call them­selves ugly. yeah, it’s pretty fucked up…

“ANTI-​LABEL”: these are the same people who put down “human being” when you ask them what race they are. they secretly want every­body to like them, even though they act really unso­cial. they are just bitter because they want to belong, but can’t because nobody likes them so they find a sort of empower­ment by saying “fuck society” all together, and try to start some dum­bass arm­chair revolu­tion where everyone can be plain boring “humans”. anti-​labels are the baby ver­sion of those annoying “act­iv­ists” which will be dis­cussed later.

BISEXUALS: gen­er­ally regarded as a female-​only domain because guys can actu­ally make up their mind about shit, the bisexual sub­cul­ture is basic­ally a bunch of girls who like watching porn and mas­turb­ating, and think they’d lick pussy but actu­ally have never done it before — OR — they have done it, but secretly know that they couldn’t eat bush all their life and would be a lot hap­pier with dick.

BISEXUALS can be broken down into two cat­egories as well: REALLY HOT and NOT SO HOT.

really hot bisexuals: these are every girl you have ever met on spring break or mardi gras. they all hang out in groups of 3 or more, and like to hug each other and have arms around each other while gig­gling at you. more or less, they are only bisexual when they have enough alcohol or other assorted drugs in their system. they need to go through this phase because it’s a path to woman­hood or some­thing like that. these are the quality ones, and as long as you can stand their record breaking levels of annoying, you should enjoy them because they won’t be sor­ority pledges forever, and by senior year, will be fatter than your grandma.

not so hot bisexuals: are a product of society being pathet­ic­ally shallow. they can’t have orgasms with reg­ular sex, so they have turned to the whole tongue-​on-​clit thing, and since most guys don’t eat pussy ’cause they’re idiots, they have to use other girls. they believe that the “human body is the most beau­tiful thing” and that “ugly” only exists if you “hate” and other such non­sense. they actu­ally look like people you went to grade school with, so you’d never con­sider actu­ally having sex with them because that would be gross. they are down to earth, every day girls, and make you go “wtf, you don’t look like a bull­dyke”. and they go “of course i’m not, i am bi” and then they bake you a cake in the shape of a tampon or some­thing lib­er­ating like that. of course, there are actu­ally real bisexuals out there, but they’re boring to talk about, and don’t really identify with the sub­cul­ture so this is not a ref­er­ence to them.

NEXT INSTALLMENT: VEGETARIANS, ACTIVISTS, SATANISTS, TEENYBOPPERS, ASSHOLE SATIRISTS, THUGS, JOCKS/​PREPS, HICKS.